lizbet: (Default)
lizbet ([personal profile] lizbet) wrote2009-05-14 11:15 pm

(no subject)

I am sitting in the library of my Oxford college, surrounded by smart people who are all as close to the end of their respective tethers as I am mine. The card sent to me by a dear friend tells me to Keep Calm and Carry On, but it is hard to obey this excellent advice when in seventeen days time I am going to have to sit in a large, ugly room with the portraits of nineteenth century clergyman glaring at me, in a stupid, uncomfortable fancy-dress costume and regurgitate half remembered and quarter understood nonsense about the subtleties of several Arabic poems. I do not speak Arabic; I have just been told what the subtleties are. They're very subtle indeed.

I have never felt like this before in my life. Doing Finals is making me realise what a cocky little shit I was all through my adolescence; I was so convinced of my own genius, Lizbet And Her Special Destiny, that it didn't occur to me until the day before the results were announced that things would go anything less than well for me. On the morning of my English Advanced Extension Award exam, I woke up on a friend's floor with a murderous hangover and rocked up to school five minutes before the exam started. Oh, that I had that composure now. My lost youth. Twenty-one, withered on the vine. A tutor told me today this is the smartest we'll ever be. Jesus.

One of my fellow historians keeps saying, You don't go to a fancy restaurant to pay the bill at the end, you go to enjoy the meal. I've enjoyed the meal. I have sucked the sticky nectar of truth from the fruit of the tree of knowledge. I just don't want to have to vomit it all up in public.

ETA: OH GOD, WHAT IS THE POINT OF ANYTHING. SEE ME THERE, TRYING TO IMPRESS MY SHINY NEW DREAMWIDTH FRIENDS BY POINTING OUT MY SPECIAL OXFORD ANGST. HELLO, ALL OF YOU, NICE TO HAVE YOU WITH US. THIS IS THE REAL LIZ SPEAKING. I AM NOT CALM OR THOUGHTFUL, I'M JUST A PANICKED FRAUD. IT'S ALL COMING OFF WIKIPEDIA. I SORT OF WANT TO DIE, OR POSS FAKE MY OWN DEATH.

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(Anonymous) 2009-06-04 04:18 pm (UTC)(link)
Hi, good post. I have been woondering about this issue,so thanks for posting. I’ll definitely be coming back to your site.